This morning I finally admitted that shit sucks right now, and I allowed myself to feel the pain that comes from being in a totally shitty situation. I feel depressed, but I also feel kind of peaceful. It was, in a quiet way, a little bit liberating.
I am standing in a pond full of muck. I have been standing in this muck for over a year, and only now am I taking the time to examine it. I am seeing just how thick it is. I’ve been distracting myself with New Guy, and up until recently, I hadn’t truly accepted that I am completely alone in parenting. My Ex does not care about our daughter. I have no backup.
This week has been a lot of letting go. I let go of New Guy, and was surprised to find myself much more relaxed. With this, I also realized that I don’t have the energy for a relationship, or for dating. I am alone, and for the first time in my life, I am okay with that aloneness. I am a whole person now. An exhausted person, but a whole person. For the first time ever.
I also let go of the false idea that my Ex or his family could be support for Bebe and I. I am a single mother. My daughter sees her father once a week for a play date, and that is the extent of his fathering. On everything else, I am alone.
Like balloons, I let go of these last two distractions. I watched them float away, then looked down at where I’m standing. I am standing in a pond full of muck. It is very hard to walk through. I really don’t know how long it’s going to take me to get to the other side, and being here really, really sucks.
But like my therapist said, accepting the muck—recognizing what I’m dealing with—is powerful. Now I can work with reality, instead of my hopes. And when you’re working with reality—when you recognize that you’re standing the muck—it’s easier to figure out how to get through it.
